What not to say to a woman having a baby alone

With more and more single women using sperm donors to create a family, there are some things that people say over and over again, ranging from the merely curious, to the insulting and the downright bizarre.

Here are some things that solo mums and mums-to-be hear every day.

For some women, going it alone is Plan A, so this is just irrelevant.

And for women who are in their late thirties, waiting for Mr Right is no longer an option. Waiting may just end her fertility window too, so she can be both single and childless. That’s a cheerful prospect to be waiting to be swept off your feet on, isn’t it?

Variations on this include ‘what about a one night stand?’ and ‘what about going on a Contiki tour?’ Almost every solo mum by choice has heard this one. The Contiki suggestion was made to me by a very close friend. More than once.

Let’s just think this through for a minute. You’re seriously suggesting that I should take a stranger (or several strangers, given most women don’t fall pregnant the first time) home, have completely unprotected sex with him, not tell him that he’s a prospective father and then have to explain to my child in a few years just why I don’t have a clue about the other side of their parentage?

Lisa once calculated her IVF cycles would have been equivalent to 20+ one night stands. Still think it’s a good idea?

Um, we’ve just had a conversation about how I haven’t been able to find Mr Right and why I wouldn’t just take someone home from the pub, and you’re offering more options for me to be tied to some random? I thought we’d managed to establish that I’m going down this path because I figure no man is better than the wrong man.

Really? Oh damn, I’d better drop all my cherished dreams of motherhood then! It doesn’t matter what your parenting situation is, parenting is hard. And there are definitely things about being a single parent that are easier than in a partnership. I have two children as a single mother. It’s all I’ve ever known and sure it’s hard, but so would parenting in a relationship that’s breaking down, or solo parenting children whose father has abandoned them.

Brooke’s mum said ‘it’s probably because half of him was frozen’, explaining why she thought Brooke’s son was constantly sick after starting daycare.

Vikki’s farmer dad said (about choosing a sperm donor) ‘so it’s like choosing a ram? You just look through the catalogue?’ (Vikki adds that he didn’t mean to be insulting; he was genuinely curious!)

The same things you’d say to anyone confiding in you that they want to try for a child. That’s great. Best of luck. Here to talk if you want to. Can I have cuddles when the baby’s born? I’ll bring you a lasagne.

Related posts:

Show me a person who is wandering and lost in defining their future, and I’ll show you a person who’d benefit from retrieving some childhood memories. In the not too distant past, you might have…

When I was at college, I came across this research article: “Mental Illness, Suicide, and Creativity”. Its findings were unsettling for my younger self: Let me tell you, some things clicked. I…

If I had to come up with a two-word phrase to describe Boris Johnson’s approach to Covid, it’d be ‘bumbling cockwomble’. I think there’s been a fairly concerted effort on his part, and the part of…