The void within

How many times will I come here again?

How many times will I have to lose the battle?

I ask these questions to myself often. For many people, my life looks good. Even my family doesn’t know ‘who I’m’. So let me tell you who I’m.

I am a twenty-year-old man or boy (whatever you prefer), who has some big dreams. I chase my dreams day in and day out. My day starts around 4 in the morning and it ends around 10 at night. Sounds good to you, right? I thought the same.

I crafted this life for myself two years ago, when I was fresh out of high school. My grades were terrible enough to shatter my dreams to be an Engineer. Got my heart broken. I was depressed as hell and all I wanted back then was to ‘not to feel again’. So I cut off myself from everything that reminds me of my past and started a journey towards myself. I wanted to understand what was happening around me, ‘What game we are playing’ and ‘What are the rules of the game?’. You can’t blame a teenager to think that way.

But when I reached a point where it seems to be ‘figured out’, it feels like everything is chaos. You see life is never been one-directional, one day you want something and when you get that you’re off to something else. I might be doing well with my career but I know there is something that I am lacking and I think you might have guessed what that is by this point. Love and Care.

We human beings are not designed to live in isolation, we need to belong somewhere and to be cared by someone. When you make yourself all about chasing your dreams, there is something that you’re trading with and that is your tribe where you belonged and a partner who cares about you as someone nobody else can.

I don’t really need someone to go on dates and to chat with late nights, instead a simple human being who sits next to me and can say ‘It is going to be alright’ when things are not going in the way it needs to be. I hope you have someone to share your struggles and success with. Some friends to belong who won’t judge you based on the results you yield. I hope you don’t have this void within you that no matter how much Netflix or work you feed doesn’t go away. You don’t have the void within you, right?

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