Coming Out of the Education Closet

I dread it when people ask me what I do for a living. My stomach turns and my body tenses up. And depending on how I’m feeling, my responses can be wildly different from day to day.

“I’m a teacher”, I say sometimes. I instantly regret it. A voice in my head sighs, “really Sally, we’re going to do this again?”. Although it is technically true. I do have a teaching qualification but my work with children is really unlike teaching and my brief stint in mainstream schools, I have to say, was a disaster.

Then comes the awkward dance of follow-up questions and strange responses from me.

“What age group do you work with?”
“Urm… I work with all ages, mainly 5–9 for the past couple of years”
“So what year group is that?”
“Well… where I work, we don’t have year groups”
“So where do you work?”
“In a forest…”
“Oh, you do forest school?”
“Not exactly… no”
“… So what do you teach?”
“Anything and everything really… We take each day as it comes. Also I don’t ‘teach’ the children per say…”
“I hear that teachers have more and more planning and marking, it must be a stressful job”
“Yes I hear that too… although we don’t grade the children where I work”
“What about behaviour management, that must be hard, children these days eh?”
“Well, er, actually I find that children thrive when they are free and trusted to make their own choices…”

And it goes on, as I feel my companion getting more and more confused.

On other days, if I’m in a more confident mood, I give a clearer explanation…

“I work in self-directed education (SDE). This means that the children in the setting, or learning community, choose how they want to spend their time. I am a facilitator, supporting them in their discovery of the world and all the amazing things that there are to learn about. But it is completely consent-based, meaning they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do, and nor do I for that matter.”

Then people are confused again, or worse… defensive. Sometimes they think I’m making a judgement about their own parenting or educational choices, or if I’m not watching myself, I do indeed preach… about how great SDE is, and how terrible schools are… alienating everyone around me in the process. In reality, I have so much respect for teachers who do an impossible job in a difficult system. Also for parents, who do the most difficult work of all.

To add even more complication, I haven’t actually been working in a SDE setting for the past few months, since moving out of London. Before the crisis, I was reluctantly dipping my toes back into the mainstream as a supply teacher. I felt like a fraud entering schools again and presenting myself as something that I’m not.

Thankfully (although my bank balance is not thankful), schools have been managing without supply staff since the lockdown. So I’ve been sitting at home, wondering what my next steps will be. Although I feel worried, figuring out what to do work-wise during this time, I’ve come to some realisations in my mind about how I want to live differently once this crisis is over. When we come out of our homes and stop hiding from this virus, I’m going to come out of my closet and admit to my wacky educational beliefs.

Firstly, I want to stop fearing people’s judgements. I want to say loud and proudly that I work in SDE, giving people enough information so that they can understand what I do when they ask, but without becoming dogmatic about it. I want to explain my profession with pride, even with people who I fear may be critical of this choice.

The next time someone asks me, I want to say… “I work in self-directed education. You’ve probably never heard of it and it’s not like school. It’s more akin to play therapy or child psychology than teaching. It’s highly skilled and nuanced work and it challenges me everyday; and the only way I can do it effectively is to be really in touch with myself and my innermost workings. At the same time, it’s not for everyone, and there are many teachers in many schools doing wonderful work with children in the traditional way. And, moreover, SDE is currently inaccessible to many, as most settings have to charge fees. That doesn’t sit well with me. But it is bloody brilliant work, and I enjoy it a lot.”

That’s quite a long spiel, but I have an abundance of time at home to refine it, and that’s the gist anyway. Learning to show people who I really am feels like a ‘coming out’. It requires daring to accept myself fully for who I am and opening myself up to others. I imagine I’ll still slip up at times, and revert back to my old ways, and I imagine I’ll meet some resistance, but I want to start down this path and be real.

Secondly, life is too short to not do what you love. It wouldn’t be fair on anyone if I go back into schools after the crisis is over and keep subjecting people to my lousy teaching, making myself miserable in the process. There are no SDE learning communities in Norfolk… yet… well, that I know of. So here comes my next challenge. Once we’re out of this crisis, I want to get some like-minded families together, find a venue, and start building a community. We will start really small and grow from there.

We’re all longing for the day when we can venture out from our homes again. Once we do, we’ll have been shaped by this experience whether we like it or not. For those of us who find ourselves in the lucky position of beautiful sunshine, our loved ones safe, and boundless time stretching out over weeks, what better opportunity to identify what we really want in our lives, and go make it happen? No more hiding in the closet!

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