Vaccine Help Line

Satire

Their vaccine, their rules

Press one if, when you wake up, you say “I feel fat.” You may be eligible.

Press two if you volunteered for a COVID trial and got a placebo. Jesus. They gave you a placebo. What the hell else do you want?! You are not eligible. Really. I can’t make this stuff up. You’re last. You’re right before Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Press three if, when you wake up you say, “I feel like I’m at the very fucking bottom of the list.” You are. Goodbye.

Press four if you are 18-years-old or older, and are unable to take care of yourself. You’re eligible in Nashville. Nowhere else.

Press five if you want to marry your cousin and get that vaccine at the same time. You are eligible. I won’t say where because someone will yell at me.

Press six if you are a camp counselor who lives at home. Please hang up. Your job qualifies you to take care of yourself. If you cannot hold down a job, you are eligible. You’re welcome, loser.

Press seven if you feel crazy. You might be eligible. Bring some paperwork to prove you are crazy. It cannot be from your mother, sibling, or partner. It can be from a stranger. Just someone objective. Someone who can clearly say, “I met her and she’s nuts.” Good enough for us. You are eligible.

Press eight if you read The Nashville PDF eligibility form and wondered, “Why does it have DRAFT written diagonally over the entire 50 pages?” You may be eligible.

Press nine if you are in Chicago and smoke. Hang up if you don’t smoke. You are not eligible. If you live in Chicago and smoke you are eligible. The unhealthier, the better. If you exercise, you might want to keep that to yourself. At least in Chicago. It makes you ineligible.

Press ten if you live in a neighborhood that is so wealthy that everyone can afford to not die. Unless you are rich and over a hundred-years-old, you are not eligible in affluent suburban communities. Hang up.

Press eleven if you have a teenager and they hate you. You are not eligible, but we understand and we’re sorry.

Press twelve if you are not in prison. You are not eligible. You cannot commit a crime and become eligible. You need to be convicted first. Crime takes time. Wait your turn.

Press thirteen if you have a gun. You are not eligible. You have enough protection.

Press fourteen if you are Marjorie Taylor Greene. You are eligible after everyone else on the fucking planet gets it.

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